Headline Roundup

Pink Slime to be served in Washington D.C.

Pink What?

     Reeling from the recent controversy surrounding lean finely textured beef (pink slime), government officials are out to show its safety and ultimate necessity for the economy.  Legislators from around the Midwest gathered at Beef Products Inc. plant in Sioux City, Nebraska in order to tour the facility.  'This here is one fine operation' stated Anita Bath, the Regional Head of Sanitation and Cleanliness for 7 Midwestern states.  'I would absolutely feel comfortable feeding product from this plant to my family.'  

     Bath, along with other representatives from the area, are set to introduce legislation that would require all government offices, cafeterias, and even restaurants in the Washington D.C. area to use at least some of the pink slime in their daily menus.   'The proof will be in the pudding, so to speak' said Bath.

     When asked to comment on the idea, Hugh Jazz, a New York State Representative currently in D.C. said  'What?  I wouldn't touch that stuff with a 10 foot fork ... I though that s**t was suppose to go to the school lunch program'

 

The Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics to reverse course on recommendations

     The Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics (formerly the American Dietetic Association) announced today that it's making some radical changes to the basic tenets it recommends for healthy eating.  In a stunningly candid interview, Patricia Lackinfacts, the Academy's Associate Director of Relations, stated that the biggest step for the Academy was dropping entirely the grain category.  'Throughout the years our recommendations have directly resulted from where we get our funding, like most businesses.  This year we got screwed over by the Grain and Sugar industries so we're just returning the favor really.'  When asked how people will best be able to conceptualize the new healthy foods, Lackinfacts said that it's probably easiest for folks to 'just lop the top and bottom of the old food pyramid.'  Simple enough. 

Da Pyramid with a few parts missing

     Seeking further details, we noted to Lackinfacts that the new plan sure looked a lot like the Paleo or Primal way of eating.  'That's the beauty' she began, 'when we saw that report in US News earlier in the year that ranked this way of eating dead last we knew we had to make some changes.  We were always under the assumption that a low fat, calorie restricted diet had the worst results, making people the most miserable and keeping them coming back.  Apparently Paleo trumps that.  So in the interest of job security, in addition to eliminating grains, we also recommend people eat Red Meat ... and lots of it.'

    
 

New report shows 25% more funding for saving people from Red Meat

     On the heels of the Red Meat Consumption and Mortality study just released in the Archives of Internal Medicine (which found an increased risk of death from all causes with increased meat intake), we now have a new study also with Red Meat in the title.  Condemning Red Meat a Boon for Nutritional Science Funding is a new meta-analysis that compiles data from many different studies indicating that, as the title suggests, if Scientists ride the Red Meat will kill you bandwagon, they are far more likely to get funding.  According to Dr. Al Coholic, the main author of the study, his groups findings show a clear and easy way to get more funding for your studies.  'Just add some statistics at the end of your conclusions linking Red Meat consumption to increased death risk.  Whether that's what your findings revealed or not is irrelevant, we all know it's true anyways.  Even if your study had nothing to do with Red Meat, just throw in this little gem at the end and you're 25% more likely to get future funding'
 
Oh man.  Just messing with you.  You do know what day it is don't you?  Here in Aspen one of our two local papers devotes their enitre issue to fictitious stories on this day.  They twist fact based stories like I mostly did here ... it's really hilarious.  Anyway, enjoy your Day, and stay the heck away from Red Meat will ya.